Even So

God is our refuge and strength,

An ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way

And the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

Though its waters quake with their surging.

Psalm 46: 1-3

We all have defining moments. They are the ones we remember decades afterward. I am just coming out of one of these times, and it made me think of another I went through around twenty years ago.

Andrew and I were visiting a park in Oklahoma with my parents before we were married. There was this cave that was high up on the side of a sort of ravine. To get to it, you had to climb up a rather steep and narrow path. Once you were at the top, there was a rope someone had secured in the cave, and you had to climb that to get into the cave.

Only, it wasn’t much of a cave. I’d call it a really big hole.

Also, I’m afraid of heights.

My parents climbed in first. Andrew wanted to climb up into it. I didn’t. I had made it to the rope, and that was perfectly fine with me. I just wasn’t that excited to see into a hole. I’ll save you the details, but fear won out that day, even though I did make it into the cave/hole. I didn’t go in willingly. There were many tears, and I still look back on that moment with feelings of anxiety.

I don’t know why this moment remains so poignant to me, but it does. Just the memory of the fear and helplessness I felt that day are enough to make my heart start beating faster.

It was not one of my shining moments.

I’d like to tell you that was my last battle with fear and that I learned from that moment and overcame my fear from then on.

I’d be straight up lying if I said that. In fact, I’ve felt fear often in the years since: fear of heights, flying, that some terrible accident has happened to a loved one when they are a little late coming home, or that some incurable illness lies in wait for me.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you have experienced fear’s dark shadow following you around. Also like me, maybe you feel guilt over that fear.

I believe in God with all my heart. I do.

I trust him. I love him.

I want nothing more than to seek after him.

I know he can do all things.

So, if I fear, does that mean that is all a lie? Does it mean my faith is weak? That it’s fake? I used to think so.

Now, I recognize I have a choice to make in the midst of my fear.

There are all kinds of articles out there about how love is a choice, not a feeling, right? I may not FEEL “in love” with someone, but I can still CHOOSE to love them, unconditionally. I believe this. I know my emotions are volatile. They are valid, sure, but they aren’t always trustworthy. I also don’t have much control over my emotions.

I mean, I’ve woken from a bad dream only to be irrationally angry at my real-life husband for something the dream version of him did. I can recognize it wasn’t real-him who did the thing, whatever it was, but I still have trouble getting my emotions to cool down. It’s rather ridiculous sometimes.

I can tell myself, logically, I shouldn’t feel a certain way. I can choose my actions despite my feelings. But I’ve never been able to control what feelings I feel, at least at the onset. I have learned to pray for a change of heart, if needed, even as my actions go on without the proper feelings. Not feeling super loving today? Well, let me pray about it even while I DO loving things anyway.

I’ve started approaching fear in this same way. I think of this as the “even so” approach.

Let’s say I feel terrified x, y, or z will happen. It helps if I acknowledge that fear and that I name the possible outcome torturing me, then I say something along the lines of, “Even so, God is still God, and I choose to follow him.”

I don’t think God is put off by our emotions. He made us with the capacity for emoting, after all. Does that mean we aren’t striving to become more like him in every way, even in our emotions? Of course not. He does meet us where we are, though, and we might as well be honest with him about how we are feeling. It’s not as if he doesn’t already know anyway.

Recently, I had a medical scare that involved waiting a month for tests and results. I felt like everything in my life was on hold until we found out what our next steps would have to be. Waiting is hard. Like super hard.

Every day was a battle with fear for me. After the first couple of days, fear was definitely winning. I couldn’t get it off my mind, my joy was noticeably diminished, and I was going through the motions with my family because all the time in the back of my head, the “what ifs” were playing on a loop.

One thing I will say for these times: they draw me to Jesus faster than anything else. So, I started praying and asking for help, and what came out of that with was this idea of choosing faith despite the fear I was feeling.

Ok, so I’m feeling fear, but I don’t have to give into that fear. I can choose to trust God despite those feelings.

In those first few days, after many prayers and talks with my heavenly father, I asked that he would use this time of waiting to grow my faith and that I would come to the end of it and not be ashamed I had spent it in fear. Even if the news came back worse than I imagined, I wanted to be able to say I had clung to him during that time.

He was so faithful to that prayer.

I had moments of fear pop up, for sure, but each time they did, I used them to remind me to pray for friends going through similar issues. I used them as reminders to refocus on God. Even though I feared the outcome, I chose to trust in God. When another “what if” would sneak into my thoughts, my response was the same: even so, I will trust in God.

I praise the Lord this time of waiting ended well as far as the medical results were concerned.

I praise him even more for how he worked in my heart as I waited. He was there with me every day. He helped me through every time fear threatened to overcome my faith.

His was the clear voice telling me no matter what, I could trust him. Even if I felt fear, He was still faithful. He would be my refuge and strength. I just had to make that choice, even in the face of fear.

I did. I made that choice every single day, and I will make it over and again a billion more times if I need to.

I used to condemn myself for my fear of heights. I would tell myself I was a coward. “Stop being such a scaredy cat and get up there!” my thoughts would go.

Now, I think of it in a different way. Am I less brave because I fear heights or even braver because I feel that fear but climb anyway?

Is there bravery in doing something you aren’t afraid of? I don’t know. Perhaps.

I do know there absolutely IS bravery in doing something even when you are terrified.

So, I’ve let go of the guilt surrounding my fear. Instead of seeing it as evidence my faith is weak, I look at it as an opportunity to choose my faith and make the statement, even if it is to myself, that whatever happens, whatever scary things I have to face, EVEN SO, I will choose God. I will choose to trust him over whatever feelings I have.

As the Psalm we started with says, I will run to him when I need a refuge, when I need strength. If the world is falling apart around me, I don’t have to fear, but if I do (because, let’s face it, mountains falling into the sea and the earth quaking sounds pretty scary), I can choose to trust him despite that fear.

He is always my choice.

So is faith.