Say Sorry

I turned 40 this week.

Although I’ve looked forward to every other birthday, I was uneasy about this one. Ok - I was dreading this one.

For some reason, the big 4-0 had me all in my feelings - feelings I couldn’t quite process or name.

While I think I’ve come to terms with this milestone, it has prompted a good deal of reflection. I think that’s a good thing.

We all need to stop and reflect from time to time, probably more so than we do.

Sure, there are some bucket list things I haven’t done in my life that I still want to do. I’ve decided to take action on some, and I’ve decided some aren’t that important to me.

There are also some things I feel I’ve been doing well lately. I can see how I’ve grown and matured in my faith. Reading my Bible and spending time with God are joys and not tasks. I find ways to show love to and serve my family and church, and I remain dedicated to my calling to teach. I’m even getting better at forgiving others.

Unfortunately, though not unexpectedly, I’ve also reflected on ways I’ve fallen short. I’ve let small frustrations build into big ones instead of just letting them go. I’ve let being busy (like I’ve discussed before in “The ‘Surface Pressure’ of Work”) get in the way of my relationships with my family and God. I’ve made excuses instead of doing what I know I should. I’ve allowed myself to get frustrated more often than I’ve shown grace to others.

When it comes down to it, I’m still dealing with selfishness.

I wouldn’t call myself a comparatively selfish person; I mean, I’m fine sharing just about anything I have (yes, even my snacks) with another. I think about what others want and try to help when I can.

Still, I fall short regularly. My life doesn’t always reflect the heart and selflessness of Jesus.

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do what God clearly wants me to do, and sometimes, I don’t try very hard to reign in my thoughts, judgments, or emotions.

Usually, though, selfishness shows its ugly face through my getting upset with the people I love most for not doing what I feel they should be doing.

Really, that’s selfishness.

I’m not talking about earth-shattering horrible actions. I’m talking about maybe not taking out the trash when it is overflowing or eating the last of the cake I had my eye on. My huffs and sighs are a clear sign to my family that I am frustrated and feel I’ve been wronged.

Selfishness is a heart issue, as much or more than it is an outward manifestation. My attitude is often one of selfishness - a recounting of wrongs done or of how the scales have tipped and become unbalanced in some sort of relationship tally system I made up and no one else has the rules to.

Now, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with taking care of yourself, resting, renewing, etc. Self-care is fine. But when I focus on caring about myself more than others, or to the detriment of others, there is a problem.

Selfishness is an ugly thing, and it’s in direct contradiction to what Jesus says is the second greatest commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22: 39).

Outwardly, I might DO all the right things, while inwardly, I’m resentful I’m having to do them.

That’s a mark of selfishness.

It’s endemic in our society.

But there is something even more dangerous than our selfishness…than my selfishness.

It’s the fact we so often don’t see it in ourselves. We don’t even recognize we are being selfish.

As a part of my 40th birthday self-reflection, I realized I was coming to God to ask for forgiveness far less than I used to.

On the one hand, that could be a good thing. I should be growing more Christlike the more time I follow Christ. I should be sinning less and doing good in the world.

I am still on that journey, though, and I still have quite a trek to go. In other words, I am far from perfect, and have plenty of reasons to ask for forgiveness. If I’m not doing that, then I’m being complacent. If I’m being complacent, then I have cause, indeed, to ask for forgiveness.

There are many biblical figures who fall into complacency.

Wait. That’s a little too passive.

There are plenty of biblical figures who choose complacency. David, called the man after God’s own heart, not only commits adultery with another man’s wife - he also sends the husband to the front lines of war to be killed (2 Samuel 11).

He did terrible things.

But here is the kicker.

He didn’t even seem to realize he had sinned against God.

It took Nathan, a prophet, confronting David with a parable to get him to see he did wrong.

Nathan told David, “By doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord” (2 Samuel 12: 14).

“Utter contempt” is pretty strong language. David did something so bad it equated to “utter contempt for the Lord,” and he didn’t even realize it.

I don’t mean his actions were accidents. We aren’t talking about mistakes here.

I mean he blatantly sinned and chose not to care, not to see or acknowledge it.

He chose to go on living life as though all was well in the world and his relationship with God was just peachy.

Clearly, it wasn’t.

The good news is once he did finally see what he had done, David chose to make it right. He repented and wrote the Psalm 51 after being confronted by the prophet Nathan for his sin. In it, he begs God for forgiveness.

“Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.” (1-2)

He then says, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me” (3). He knows his sin. He knows what he’s done wrong, and it’s on his mind. Granted, it took a prophet to make him SEE he sinned, but once he realizes it, he also sees his need to make his relationship with God right.

He does that by asking for forgiveness. He makes no excuses in this psalm. He commits himself to God’s judgment, recognizing God is “justified when [he] judge[s]” (4).

He also knows the heart of God; that he is merciful and forgiving. He believes God will not only forgive him, but also help “create in [him] a pure heart” (10).

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others. I can look at David and say, “Ha! See, I’m fine! I haven’t committed adultery or killed anyone’s spouse today, so what do I need to ask forgiveness for?” I can say that.
I can also look at David and scoff that he didn’t see what he had done was horrible. I mean, c’mon David! That’s textbook sin. You shall not murder… You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. We’re talking stone tablet stuff here, man.

I wonder, though, how someone else might say the same of me, looking in from an outside perspective.

Would they see my actions, my heart, and be appalled at how blatant my transgressions are?

Are there sins in my life I’m not even seeing because I’ve blinded myself to them?

The truth is there may very well be. If so, I need to make myself see them and repent. God’s forgiveness is there if I only ask.

That’s why I’m picking up another psalm of David as a regular prayer. It goes like this:

            “Search me, God, and know my heart;

                        test me and know my anxious thoughts.

            See if there is any offensive way within me,

                        and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139: 23-24)

It’s a scary thing to ask God to search your heart and let you know if anything isn’t right, but friends, if anything ISN’T right, it’s so much scarier to go on blindly ignoring the problem.

There’s no hidden sin worth sacrificing your relationship with God. I’d invite you to pray this psalm as well and put your faith in God to show you any areas of sin you need to ask forgiveness for. Then, like David, we can have faith that when we do see our sin, repent, and ask for forgiveness, God will forgive us, and our relationship will be restored.

He is faithful. He is loving. He forgives. Just ask.